Dealing with Family

I remember a conversation I once had with my father after about eight years of being Muslim. It was around Christmas time and he was thanking me for joining the family at home “even though you don’t believe in Jesus.” I was floored. Eight years of helping him to understand what I believe and he was still under the impression that I didn’t believe in Jesus--especially during a holiday that celebrates his birth, a moment the Allah recounts in the Quran! I explained to him that Muslims do believe in Jesus, the immaculate conception, and the virgin birth, but that we understand him to be a prophet rather than the son of God. He seemed pleasantly surprised to learn about our common ground. But I was left with a feeling of failure. I thought I had done a pretty good job explaining what Islam teaches. How many more misconceptions could be lurking beneath the surface?

This conversation turned out to be a healthy reality check for me. I had been under the impression that my family and I had “made it” in understanding our religious differences. I genuinely thought I was past the point of explaining what I believe. This conversation with my father taught me that the quest for mutual understanding would be a lifelong process and that patience on my part would always be necessary. It has now been eight more years since that conversation and I’m still answering questions--and, thank God, my family is still asking them!

One of the beauties of this religion is that it calls us to a high standard when dealing with our families regardless of what they believe. We are to be excellent toward our parents, siblings, and extended family members even when they are less than excellent toward us. Indeed, part of the Prophet’s ﷺ advice to the people of Madinah when he first immigrated there was to “maintain ties of kinship.” Likewise, Allah says in the Quran: “Your Lord has commanded that you should worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents.” Amazingly, God places kindness to our parents next to tawheed, Divine unity, the fundamental truth of our religion. Our parents are signs of God’s creation of humanity: they brought us into the world just as He brought us into existence. Goodness and gratitude toward them is therefore a sign of our gratitude toward God.

Patience and honesty are key in this process because, as the old adage goes, people don’t remember what you say but how you make them feel. If I learned anything from that conversation with my father, it was that my answers to his questions over the years didn’t matter so much as showing him that I was leading a good life that was pleasing to him. To expand on the verse of the Quran above, Allah says, “Your Lord has commanded that you should worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents…. say no word that shows impatience with them, and do not be harsh with them, but speak to them respectfully and lower your wing in humility towards them in kindness and say, ‘Lord, have mercy on them, just as they cared for me when I was little.’” So much of what our parents, and our family in general, want to see from us after a life changing decision like this is that our relationships with them will remain intact. Your character will speak louder than any words you say to them. But this takes time and patience both with them and with yourself.

These are our ideals and it is important that we strive for them. Real life, of course, is always more complicated. Some of us come from families that are dysfunctional, abusive, or completely absent. It is important for new Muslims in these situations to understand that the ideals of our religion are not meant to invalidate our own lived experience or our intuition on the best way to deal with family members. We are indeed called to be merciful and kind with our family--but implementing mercy and kindness will look different for each of our situations. If maintaining a cordial distance, or firm boundaries gently enforced, is the greatest mercy you can have on some family members, then do that! If the best you can do is desire in your heart a merciful relationship, then do that too! God’s guidance exists to empower us and make the best of all situations.

I’ll end with another story about my father. One night, after a couple years of being Muslim, I came home late while visiting my parents. My father was up and approached me when I came through the door. He grabbed me by my shoulders and examined my face for a few seconds before saying, “You’re sober. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I saw you intoxicated. Maybe this new religion is doing you a lot of good.” Whether or not we have families that we can discuss our new religion with, they will certainly watch us to see how it changes us. With God’s permission, this is where the greatest openings will come from.